I open with an example of my upside-down shadow self.
I am thrilled, tickled, invigorated, pumped up, humbled, fueled, and completely JOYFILLED when I am giving to others in any form. So be it with my words, actions, money, gifts, you name it, I love to share it. Nothing wrong with that, especially for the recipients, right? So what possibly could be the upside-down of this? The struggle with receiving is an aspect of my shadow side. I shamefully admit that 90% of the time, when I receive a gift, a kind word, or gesture, there is a shut-off mechanism in my psyche that says, "OH NO, YOU DON'T."
A wall comes up, and my protective gear goes on. I have known this for some time and have tried to adjust around the "uncomfortableness" of receiving. However, this past week my evolution decided it was time to dive deep and take a peek into how extensive this shadow aspect is operating in my life.
Imagine the following ... you are participating in a beautiful daily visualization practice, speaking I am affirmations, listening to upbeat positive and enlightening music, and overall thinking you are walking the walk and talking the talk. You are expanding in abundance, success, and love every day; for God's sake, you took part in writing an International Best Selling Gratitude Journal and run a monthly gratitude circle. You have got to be a Gratitude Guru. AHHH, but you struggle to accept and embrace the simplest of compliments, the gracious thoughtful gift of a friend, and an offer to treat you to a special day from your best friend. OH MY goodness, you must be an imposture. You are asking God to support you, show you the path of abundance, and you are saying NO to an offer to accept a profit from work you have done for a dear friend because you don't honor your value. Then imagine All of these NOs were in 2 days. Boom Boom Boom!
Above was a description of the shadowy me; how can this be? Then I am shown that all of this rejection to partaking in reciprocity is veiled in the illusion of humility and the fake idea that it is better to give than receive. Could it be that I have been rejecting the most fundamental gift of all on a deep level? The divine gift of unconditional love from my Source, who I choose to call God? Every time I internally or externally say/feel that I am unworthy of receiving, I energetically say to God, hey, don't bother because I won't accept it anyway. Oh Boy, oh boy, have I got some cleaning up to do.
The tricky trick is I know where this attitude comes from, and I was "completely sure" that I had healed those old wounds, but here they are demonstrating to me that their underlying message still runs strong through my emotional encoding. The primal wounding of the human condition is the "not enough" wound or the idea that we are somehow separate from our Creator. The instant we see ourselves as removed in any way from our Source, we fall into an "I am not enough vibration." It does not matter how many Ohms we chant, and we can not be "all in" if there are any undetected/unrecognized patterns telling Source that we see ourselves as separate.
So now what? Once again, I have stepped into the position of observer. I am witnessing my shadow self acting out a pattern of protection. I know it, I sense it, and I am fully aware. With the same gentle loving-kindness that I would show my clients and loved ones, I embrace my shadow, tell it that I understand why it continues to show up this way, and simply love myself for who I am today.
Self-awareness is the first step in unconditional self-love.
The second step is making a new choice today.
The final step is to seek support.
Collaborating with a practitioner who can support you in your awareness, raise your energetic vibration, and rebuild a new container of self-love in the form of support has served me well.
Today I am humbled, and I embrace the gift of receiving in any form that Source chooses to give. Allowing others to show me kindness is my beautiful lesson in abundance this week. Accepting and Receiving loving kindness is a way for me to grow my gratitude muscle. When I gently allow the universe to demonstrate that abundance can come from anywhere, anyone, and at any time, I expand. Thank you to all of my gratitude angels for your love. I am genuinely grateful for my gratitude journey.